You instinctively know when you’re in the presence of an authentic person. You gravitate towards them because they feel real. There’s a warmth and openness that makes this person engaging.
Most of us want to be authentic in our lives, have a sense of who we are, and feel confident enough to share it.
Our conditioning makes us hesitant to share our real selves with those around us because we’re frightened others will perceive us as flawed, or they won’t like us anymore.
Some people focus on the importance of presenting a successful image all the time. This is fueled by a belief that their value is dependent upon the positive regard of others.
This takes most of their energy because they hide behind a mask pretending to have it all together. They unconsciously become inauthentic: telling others what they want to hear, paying lip service to the truth, and not speaking up when it really matters.
They take on chameleon-like qualities to adapt and shape-shift to the situation. This is characteristic of the personality pattern of type Three on the Enneagram.
Feeling incongruent
One of my clients felt incongruent and lost after a conversation with her boss.
She came to me feeling dishonest because she had misrepresented her own beliefs. She had found herself trying to second guess how her boss might be perceiving her and constantly trying to adapt her image to look good.
Shame took over: ‘What happens if he finds out what I’m REALLY like?’
My client was unconsciously deceiving herself (and her boss) by borrowing a different, more favorable persona in order to feel more valued and worthwhile.
She was exhausted and confused and didn’t know who she really was anymore.
Hiding behind this mask unconsciously took her further away from her authentic self, and was a source of stress and exhaustion for her.
Three elements that impact your authentic self…
Let’s explore these three elements to help us understand how we can unconsciously move further away from our authentic selves…
Inner YOU:
This is your window into ‘authentic you.’ Your sense of self – How YOU think and feel on the inside. This YOU is natural, genuine, spontaneous, humorous, and open. It’s your authentic self where you are aligned, joyful, and relaxed.
Some people only focus outside of themselves and hold a limiting belief that their value is dependent upon the positive regard of others.
They may not know themselves very well…
Helping a client explore the inside can be a transformational turning point for them. They might also be surprised to learn others value their openness and authentic nature.
By turning your attention inward, you shift your focus from the outside to your inside world. Spending time in this space is important for your personal growth because you can learn how to understand yourself and what brings you joy.
Practice sharing your real self with someone you can trust. Communicate your doubts, feelings, and needs (Clients sometimes have never experienced this and may feel vulnerable at first so, as a coach, it’s important to be compassionate and tender with them).
Help your client to pay attention to their heart and what they are feeling, rather than automatically turning their attention outwards for approval and acceptance. This is their unconscious default and may need help because they don’t realize they are doing it.
Feelings are meant to be felt. This might be a new thing for your client!
Perceived YOU:
This is the YOU that other people perceive you to be. Usually described by other people’s feedback of you. ‘You’re creative!’ ‘You’re lazy!’ ‘You don’t think!’ ‘You’re unorganized!’
Have you ever spoken to someone who perceives that they know more about you than YOU do?!
We judge other people in life by their actions: what they do and what they say, and we judge ourselves by our intentions. Our intentions are often not communicated to others, so all someone has to go on is your behavior…
Therefore, to other people – YOU are your demonstrated behavior!
I sometimes ask my clients: What is it like being on the receiving end of you? Because we often don’t stop to take a moment to see the impact of our behavior on others.
Is your behavior in alignment with your true intention? When your actions match your intentions, you are being authentic and people can tune into this.
Here are some ways to explore your perception of YOU:
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Are your perceptions real or just stories you are telling yourself? For example, check in on the words you use internally – They must think I suck at organization!
You might be projecting what you think their perceptions of you are and deceiving yourself. Ask yourself: What is true about this situation? How do I know?
- How do others truly perceive you? Ask people you trust for feedback. Stop making assumptions. This might be someone close to you, your mentor or coach.
- Is your behavior authentic? Or are you twisting and contorting trying to create an image that isn’t in alignment with who you really are?
Role Identity:
We play many roles simultaneously in our lives. It’s easy to put on our role description hat and say what we think we should say to please another person. You may be playing the political game to keep the peace. (How many times have you done this to your boss?!)
We live by the unconscious rules that we’ve created and these can limit our potential by sacrificing our authenticity in an effort to become how we perceive others perceive us to be.
We try to align with unconscious role descriptions of how we think we should behave in order for others to like us. Our self-worth is determined by the achievement of external goals, which ultimately leads to an inner void of emptiness.
Craving external recognition takes a lot of effort and energy to maintain because we’re fighting a constant battle with our true selves. It’s a self-defeating cycle that is fed by shame and fear.
Letting go of your attachment to your role identity is important to your growth. The falling away of identities can initially feel painful, but as you let go, you release energy, your nervous system relaxes and you’ll feel a sense of freedom and liberation.
The more you let go, the easier it is to find your true self.
Authenticity is about being comfortable in your own skin.
Are you comfortable being yourself? Perhaps you have a client who is struggling with this just now…
Here are a few ways to explore how someone like this might be deceiving themselves.
Help them to recognize when these patterns show up, create a distance between themselves and the pattern by becoming the observer, and then use curiosity to choose a different more positive approach:
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Notice your triggers. Explore the following questions:Do you feel uncomfortable and incongruent in any relationships?
Do you constantly worry about who you’re supposed to be and how you’re supposed to act?
Are you unclear about who you are?
Do you never feel truly successful, despite your successes? Perhaps you are frightened of being found out by others so you hide behind an image you’ve created.
Even though you are successful, you may occasionally feel like there is something missing. You may also feel hollow or sad when this happens.
Do you have a fear that you might be found out by others if you let them get too close to you? This drives your need to always create an image of having it all together for others.
Do you feel restless? You’re always striving towards the next goal, pushing yourself forward.
Does your success always come first before relationships?
What are your motivations behind your drive to succeed?
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Write them down. Start to notice when this is happening, what is happening, and how you feel. WHY are you acting in this way with this person? What is behind this behavior? Be curious… Create a little distance between you and your pattern.
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Practice sharing your real self with someone you trust. Reach out to share with someone who feels safe. Being able to talk honestly about your feelings, doubts, and needs can make a BIG difference. This could be a close friend, partner, or coach-mentor.
A good coach-mentor will hold space for you to practice being your true self. You may initially feel vulnerable sharing so take it slow and be compassionate with yourself. Work with someone who can help you shift old mindset patterns as you focus your attention from world.
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Open your heart. Feelings might feel very foreign as you begin to open your heart and become aware of your emotions. To begin with, you might not be able to describe them.
It might help to create a list of definitions for these as you start to truly experience them. I have a client who carried a list of these around with her for two years!
As you experience your feelings, your heart will relax and open up. Begin to notice what changes in your life in the outside world.
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Let go of your role identities. You are much more than the roles you play in your life. You don’t have to be everything to everyone and it’s okay not to always have it all together! (None of us have it all together all of the time!).
Notice your perceptions around having to look good or being acceptable. Whose approval are you trying to get rather than staying true to yourself? This is where you are deceiving yourself by putting on a different persona for different people.
This is how you can lose yourself. Over time, you may not even know who you are anymore… You have moved away from your true self.
I help my clients create space and time to explore themselves by making time in their schedules to step away from goals, the need to perform, and continuous external demands.
Having some quiet, relaxed time alone helps release them from their constant drive to be ON all the time.
One of my clients realized he didn’t have anything in his life except work… This terrified him. He began to look for a hobby or interest and joined a painting class to help him connect to something that brought him joy.
Painting helped him to turn his attention inwards… he described it as his ‘happy peaceful place!’
You just have to learn how to be YOU.
Your value and worth are not dependent on others.
By balancing your attention from outside to inside yourself you become more authentic and inner-directed. This will enable you to make decisions from your inner truth.
Others are motivated by your authentic nature and are inspired to be successful, like you. You can become an inspiring mentor to others.
Being YOU is very liberating!
Email me if you want help with coaching someone with this pattern and I’ll share some resources. Happy to help 🙂