What is it like being on the receiving end of YOU?

In life, we judge other people by their actions: what they do, what they say, or how they act…
yet we judge ourselves by our intentions.

Think about this for a moment…

People are how we experience them. They are their demonstrated behavior.

Our intentions are unknown to others unless we communicate them. Without knowing someone else’s intentions all we have to go on is their behavior. So we judge other people by this, but it’s not the full picture of what is happening in an interaction, because we have no understanding of what is behind the behavior.

Often when something triggers us, our personality or Ego tries to defend us and we react from our unconscious, automatic patterns.

What is it like being on the receiving end of you?

For the last 20+ years, I’ve often asked my coaching clients: What is it like being on the receiving end of you?

This question usually stops them in their tracks because they’ve never considered what it might be like being on the receiving end of them. It really gets them thinking…

This question instantly creates a distance from the situation and my client steps back to become the observer. This opens them up to self-awareness because it loosens the constriction and relaxes their attachment to an unconscious habitual pattern.

Most of us don’t consider whether our actions are matching our intentions, or how we might be coming across to others, especially at the moment that we are feeling uncomfortable.

Have you ever had a situation where you’ve had good intentions but the other person misunderstood you? Or perhaps you’ve totally misread someone else because you were judging them by their actions?

We all have our own worldview…

Each of our personality types holds a core belief, an operating principle that automatically shapes our personalities development selecting, filtering, and reinforcing data from the overwhelming amount of information bombarding us during our waking moments of the day.

Any data that does not align with your core belief patterns are automatically deleted, distorted or filtered, and unconsciously dismissed. So we ignore any other perspectives and continue to look for evidence to support our core belief – our own worldview.

We can easily convince ourselves that our version of the experience is the truth reinforced by our previous experiences. This affects our behavior. Then our behavior influences the behavior of the other person we are interacting with.

For example, one of my clients received some negative feedback from her boss. It wasn’t presented well, as the boss wasn’t great at giving feedback. My client reacted defensively and the whole conversation became awkward and uncomfortable.

These automatic patterns feel so real as we repeat them. It feels so natural and normal that we don’t question them. We’re not even aware that we have a core belief that is driving them, because it’s just what it is…

How often do your actions match your intentions?

My client didn’t want to be defensive, it just happened as a reaction to the feedback she was receiving that she perceived wasn’t a true reflection of the situation. At that moment, her actions didn’t match her intention… Her true intention was to share her side of the story so that her boss could understand why she did what she did.

Sometimes we aren’t aware that our actions don’t match our intentions, because we’re locked into our unconscious automatic patterns of behavior. This can lead to confusion, misunderstanding, and even conflict.

I teach and coach personality using the Enneagram. Each of the nine dominant types has its own core belief that it holds about itself in relation to others. This belief exists at an unconscious level, often formed by their experiences in early childhood. When our nervous system is under stress, we become constricted and our ego tries to defend us using this belief without questioning it.

Here is a quick description of each Enneagram type’s core belief. See if you resonate with one of them:

Enneagram Core Beliefs:

TYPE ONE: I take responsibility for making things right.

TYPE TWO: The needs of others come first. Love has to be earned.

TYPE THREE: My worth and value depend on my achievements.

TYPE FOUR: I’m missing something important, that everyone else has.

TYPE FIVE: I’m on my own. There is no room for me here.

TYPE SIX: I can’t trust others. The world is dangerous and scary.

TYPE SEVEN: I can’t trust others to satisfy my needs – my fulfillment is outside of me.

TYPE EIGHT: I need to protect myself from being vulnerable because the world is unjust/hard.

TYPE NINE: My presence is unimportant. To connect with others I have to forget myself.

(You can read more about these in great books like – The Wisdom of the Enneagram – Riso & Hudson)

I have a friend who is a nine on the Enneagram. For many years she was numb and underwhelmed with her own life – mindlessly going through the motions. Her life dramatically shifted when she became aware of her nine pattern and that she wasn’t even being present in her life. She was floored when she considered: What it was like being on the receiving end of me?

As a result, she has become more present and aware in each moment – her actions match her intentions.

Using this question enables you to become aware of an unconscious pattern linked to your core belief. Recognizing it, you can create a little distance between yourself and the pattern – you don’t take it personally – it’s just a pattern and part of your default coping strategy. This distance gives you an opportunity to choose your response rather than react to the other person or the situation.

Having this awareness helps you to be gentle and more compassionate to yourself. You become curious rather than judgmental.

What is it like being on the receiving end of you?

Ponder this today and let me know what comes up for you in the comments.