A few years ago I was called in to work with a team whose boss would always assume the worst in a situation.
One day Jenny, one of the team, came to me emotional and confused because she was no longer being included in a project, and didn’t know why. She’d asked the project manager who told her the boss had removed her because ‘she was no good at customer service’.
This was devastating news to Jenny, she was great with customers, they loved her. She was at a loss… Why had she been suddenly and unceremoniously written off?
On further investigation and after a few awkward conversations she became aware of the facts:
A colleague had told the Boss that Jenny had been aggressive to a customer. She had heard a rumor of this once before, so the Boss removed her from the project.
WHY ASSUMPTIONS ARE DANGEROUS…
“People always imagine the worst when they don’t know what is true.” ~ Jack Canfield
Many of us make assumptions. We are barely conscious of most of the assumptions we carry with us because the thoughts behind them feel so real. They are our own version of the story that we accept as true, without any proof. Incomplete information where we’ve unconsciously filled in the gaps.
Our assumptions are based on opinions of others, past experience and what we perceive the other person might be thinking. Through our filters we distort the messages and create labels for the other person such as he or she is no good at…. (managing projects, not coachable etc).
Once we create a label then we unconsciously develop a fixed mindset around it by looking for evidence to support our original assumption.
In other words, we see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear, filtering out anything that is contrary to our assumption. We fill the gaps because we’re often afraid of what we don’t know. We jump to conclusions and believe our story to be the truth.
Many of our assumptions remain untested, yet we believe them to be true and use them as a benchmark to discount people, or to make badly informed decisions.
Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and a lack of communication, because you think you already KNOW the answer or understand what is going on so you don’t ask for direct clarification by having a conversation.
In other words, it’s easy to write someone or something off or ignore the potential of an opportunity by jumping to conclusions based on someone else’s opinion, rumors or hearsay.
FACTS NOT FEAR…
When we assume the worst, we don’t want to check it out. We’re scared of having an awkward conversation.
In Jenny’s case, her boss was afraid of confrontation. She would assume the worst without checking both sides of the situation. If a colleague gave her feedback or an opinion on a member of the team, she would assume this to be true. She just filled the gaps in the story for herself and limited the potential of her team.
The boss was frightened to check the facts. She was frightened of conflict. The staff member was deemed guilty, labeled and written off as ‘poor at sales,’ or ‘not good at customer service,’ without ever having a conversation.
This lack of conversation led to confusion and misunderstanding. The individual didn’t know why they were suddenly not included in projects, they were kept in the dark. Over time this undermined Jenny’s self-esteem and confidence.
WE ALL MAKE ASSUMPTIONS…
I’m sure you can think of a time when you’ve totally got it wrong! I know I have.
We assume that others think and feel the same way as we do and make the same judgments. We imagine the truth and don’t see the reality of how things are or the potential for what could be.
If we take time to understand WHY people behave the way they do, then we can make better judgments of their behavior, become less triggered and possibly prevent ourselves from making some errors of judgment and bad decisions.
Here are five ways to avoid making assumptions…
1. Test out your thinking – Check in on your own thinking. How do you know that what you are thinking is real? What evidence do you have? You might be wrong! Listen closely to your self-talk – It’s not always telling the truth.
For example, I’ve observed clients creating a bottleneck in their business because of their lack of trust in others.
2.Test out your feelings – Have the courage to communicate when things feel uncomfortable. Instead of avoiding a conversation and sharing your fears with others, have a conversation with the person directly. Have the courage to ask the questions and deeply listen to the other person’s response. Suspend your own pre-judgment of the situation.
3.Get the facts – This is a game changer. Once you know what is real you can make clear decisions based on the truth, rather than making it up and filling the gaps. Test your understanding. Imagine how much easier it would be to know the facts rather than assume – check it out! Do you have the full story?
4.Don’t discount others too quickly – Don’t write people off too quickly with sweeping statements. People’s potential is unlimited. What are you missing here? They may not be good at xxxx today, but if you give them the tools, opportunity and encouragement to learn, you could help them transform their performance.
5.Be extra vigilant when the relationship is one you know well – You might assume you know what the other person is thinking. Honestly, you have no idea what the other person might be thinking or feeling! If you don’t ask questions and have the conversation, you’ll create discomfort and misunderstanding. Your behavior demonstrates that you don’t care.
The other person can’t read your mind and won’t always understand just because you think you know them well. Find your voice and always establish the truth.
Look out for and check out your assumptions – you’ll get better outcomes in every aspect of your life.
Don’t compromise facts for fear…
What assumptions are you making?!