Have you ever thought about WHY you never do your shoulds?
If I had been given a dollar every time someone used the word should in a coaching conversation over the years, I’d be an extremely rich woman! 🙂
Should is a commonly used word that appears in coaching conversations. It often indicates that we have an obligation or duty to do something or it’s sometimes used in the context of a criticism to correct our own actions.
If you listen carefully, there’s almost a heaviness to the word as it makes you feel almost obliged to do something in a certain way… it feels draining – meh! It can also come with feelings attached to it like shame, guilt and anxiety.
Let me share a couple of examples…
You know (because others tell you) that you SHOULD prepare that slide presentation at least three weeks before the presentation date, but knowing this doesn’t make any difference because you ALWAYS find yourself finishing them last minute on the morning of the presentation!
Perhaps others tell you that you need to plan ahead rather than winging it!
But after reading hundreds of time management books and courses, you’re still not able to change and your self management sucks!
Maybe you think that there must be something wrong with you? You begin to doubt yourself because other people seem to be able to do these things effortlessly…
The truth about SHOULDs
Shoulds can be formed from watching other people’s ways of doing things, or reading How To… books. We like to compare ourselves to others and copy behavior. These strategies are often well intended but they don’t take one important factor into consideration…
We all have innate ways of doing things and our behaviors are driven by our natural instincts. They determine how you will or won’t take action. Your own natural way of operating kicks in the moment you decide to make a commitment to getting something done
So the reason why you never ‘DO’ your SHOULDs is that they are ALWAYS overpowered by a conflicting instinct-driven need – your natural instinct strengths!
In other words, those SHOULDS are trying to make you work against the grain of who you are!
And that’s NOT going to happen…
A great example of this is how we hand write. We all have a natural way of writing. Some of us are righthanded, some lefthanded. You just pick up a pen and start writing…
If you are asked to work against your grain it’s a little like suddenly having to write with the wrong hand. Try it! Things take longer, it’s frustrating, and mentally exhausting because now you have to THINK about writing rather than just doing it, and the results aren’t as good.
It’s painful and overtime can be destructive and may have a negative effect on what you are trying to achieve.
Check in on your shoulds…
Are you trying to do something against your natural way of doing it? If so, I guarantee your should isn’t going to happen anytime soon! You’ll avoid it, procrastinate and make excuses.
You have a unique working style and understanding this will help you to discern what you WILL or WON’T do!
No more shoulding!
You’ll develop a greater understanding of your own natural instincts, allowing you to maximize your mental energy by becoming aware of and liberating your own most basic instincts for success.
Knowing how much mental energy you have for the different kinds of tasks allows you to make deliberate, conscious choices…
When you are free to be yourself you get to do it YOUR WAY! It feels natural.
Look out for the should word in your coaching conversations…
Next time one of your clients uses the word should – take a moment to explore any resistance. They might be working against their grain. The solution might be to do something different that’s in more alignment with their own working style.
Email me if you’d like to learn more about your own working style and how to use it to get things done!
Thank you , Elaine.
I will listen even more for shoulds w my clients.
I’m not sure how to reframe my waiting-til-the-last-minuteness!
But I shall find a reframe reset!
Leah
That’s great Leah thanks for sharing – let me know how it goes! 🙂
As for waiting for the last minute to do things… This sounds like part of your innate working style. If you were to plan ahead and prepare 4 weeks earlier, you’d probably find yourself changing it all again at the last minute because your energy is in the moment! This is actually a strength! 🙂
Do you feel the rush of energy when you are in the last minuteness? If so, intense deadlines might be where you do your best work! 🙂
If you were to plan ahead in advance – how would that feel for you? AND would you really ever do this?! 🙂
I appreciate this aspect of “shouldness” and will watch for it in coaching conversations from this context.
There is also another context of shouldness that I notice shows up in leadership coaching conversations.
“I should be/do …. A skill” and YES they do need to learn how to do it, but blame their way of being on it.
As an example, “I should stand up for myself or my team more in meetings but I don’t like conflict, so I avoid it.”
Despite their wiring, they can and need to learn to do something that may go against their natural patterns.
As coaches, it’s important for us to pay attention to the should’s and unpack it to determine whether this is an acceptance or a learning opportunity.
Thanks Elaine, for encouraging coaches to explore the heavy burden of should.
Thank you for sharing this Lisa! Such a great conversation and so true!
We can’t always do everything 100% in alignment with our innate working style, especially if we work in a job for someone else (we can’t pick and choose the bits of the job that match our innate style). New skills are learnable, some are naturally easy to learn, and some are not. As you say, it’s always important to unpack it.
While some skills are learnable this (hypothetical) person might ultimately be better in a different role where they aren’t dealing with conflict every day, if it doesn’t become something they can learn and apply consistently. Otherwise, over time having to deal with this every day is like them consistently writing with the wrong hand – it would be stressful and ultimately have a negative effect on their performance. (Right person, right role).
Here’s an example…
Over the years, as a leadership development professional, I’ve met many situations where individuals are excellent at the technical aspects of their job, then they get promoted to manager, and they struggle. They know they ‘should’ handle the ‘people stuff’ better, but this is not natural for them. They are much happier implementing and doing the work rather than overseeing others to do it. They no longer get to use their technical skills and now have to manage people.
I saw this, especially working in an airline, where the brilliant engineers got promoted to manage people (two different skillsets one working against the grain… personality types come into play here too 🙂 ) They struggled and were much happier working with tools rather than working with people.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Lisa!