Criticism is a natural part of life, especially when someone is stepping out and trying something new, or working on becoming a better version of themself.
As we grow, the people around us struggle to make sense of how and why we are changing. They unconsciously worry about the impact of this change on them, as they are not changing. A common reaction to this shows up as criticism…
Why criticism hurts…
Criticism is different from feedback because it feels painful, raw, and personal. Most of us have experienced people ridiculing us at times when we’ve tried to grow. (I have experienced this several times in my own life from bosses, partners, and peers.)
Ridicule hurts because it makes you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. It makes you question your original decision to step up and be different.
A few years ago I came across Arthur Schopenhauer, a German Philosopher and Author. His work reminds us that ALL change goes through three steps:
- Ridicule
- Violent opposition
- Acceptance as self-evident
I’ve coached people through all three stages when they decide to show up bigger in their life. Understanding this concept has helped me when I’ve been confronted by ridicule or opposition to the changes I have made in my life.
Here is a real-life example to demonstrate these stages:
Jenny came to coaching to help her stop being a people-pleaser. She constantly sacrificed who she was for the sake of what other people thought.
She set boundaries and started saying no to things that no longer served her. Her partner started to notice a difference…
Ridicule
“Look at you! You’ve been talking to that coach of yours again haven’t you?!”
Her partner noticed the change and started to make fun of what she was trying to do.
This ridicule was a challenge for Jenny. It made her feel uncomfortable. Stopping being a People Pleaser was harder than she thought. She questioned her motives and was tempted to give in and go back to how she used to be, just to keep her partner from making fun of her.
Our natural instincts are to be socially accepted. It’s tempting for Jenny to go back to how she used to be, even though the new way is far more authentic and real.
Violent opposition
“I hate these damned coaching sessions! I don’t like what is happening to you. You’re different! The ‘old’ Jenny was much nicer than the ‘new one’. You are being selfish these days. This coach is brainwashing you! You should stop seeing her!”
As Jenny continued with her goals her partner felt fearful and unsure about the change he was seeing. His life was much easier before. Unconsciously, he was worried about how this would affect him and their relationship. She had held a mirror up to him and this made him feel uncomfortable. He felt threatened by the ‘new’ way and his personality/ego went into defense mode.
Verbal aggression is cruel and painful and can stop us in our tracks. We question our judgment and ability to move forward and achieve our goals. Once again, it’s tempting to go back to the old way so the hurt will go away.
It’s easier to criticize someone when they are taking risks, being brave, or speaking out, especially when they are doing it imperfectly because they are trying something new.
Acceptance as self-evident
“I’ve learned so much about our relationship and as a result of the coaching you’ve done Jenny, we’ve grown closer together. We understand each other at a deeper level.”
Over time the new way of doing things becomes the normal way of doing things. Jenny stayed true to herself remaining consistent in her approach, despite all the opposition. She let go of trying to be everything to everyone else. She courageously stepped up to become an equal partner in the relationship. Her partner was open enough to be willing to grow with her (this isn’t always the case and some relationships end!).
The source of our discomfort is often inside of us.
Most of us don’t naturally look inside ourselves to find the source of our discomfort – we tend to look externally for someone or something else to blame. We become cynical or critical in reaction to this difference. It often shows up as sarcasm, ridicule, or criticism of someone else.
Criticism is often a reflection of the other person’s own discomfort to stay stuck in their comfort zone. They might be feeling jealous and envious of the other person’s decision to create some changes in their life.
How to handle criticism.
- Take personal responsibility for your thinking – Stay in your power and stand your ground. Step back and remind yourself that you don’t have to shrink so that others can feel comfortable around you. Choose to be courageous. Don’t let any outside noise cause internal interference. Remember, we all have equal value, worth, and dignity. No one is better, bigger, or superior to anyone else. It’s just ego that makes it so. Focus on your truth and what is important to you. Have faith in your intuition and believe in YOU. Let go of your emotions – allow them to pass through you, as this energy will keep you blocked.
- It’s NEVER about you – Criticism is always about the person who is delivering it. The source of the criticism is with the person making that criticism – You are not the source. Their opinion is just information based on the other person’s view of the world, and not from your viewpoint. As you step up to do things differently others will criticize you. It’s going to happen. It’s okay. Those who are closest to you may have stronger opinions. Remember that their opinions can be driven by their own fear, envy, or worry. These feelings from loved ones can feel very personal if we let them in.
- Re-decide – remind yourself of WHY you want to make this change. Recommit to your decision and in the face of any criticism, get clear again. Teach other people how to treat you. Stay authentic and true to yourself and allow your courage to overcome any fear. Don’t let fear influence your decisions, just because somebody has challenged you. People WILL push up against you – especially when you’re doing something different. Make decisions from where YOU want to be.
- Accept that everyone won’t like you – Know this truth – some people will like you some won’t. You can’t please everyone all of the time and as you change and grow, you may leave others behind. Criticism is a coping strategy for the other person who isn’t growing or changing. You don’t have to be triggered by it.
- Set a time limit – Give yourself some space to work through the pain and discomfort. Be with it and talk it through with someone you trust. Reframe the situation, focus on what you’ve learned, remember that this is NOT about you, and let it go.
Have you experienced these three phases in your life?
I can totally relate to this. I experienced these stages when I decided to leave the business world and open my healing practice. People thought I was crazy for leaving solid career to start a business that 20 years ago was considered whoo whoo, but I did it anyway. I kept a lot of what I was learning and doing to myself to limit the comments and criticisms to a minimum. They still hurt but I knew in my heart it was my path and no one was going to get me off track. They all came around years later especially my Father in law who called and asked me to work on him before his heart surgery. That was really special to finally get his acceptance of my work.
Wow! Krista! Thank you so much for sharing this. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you. I can totally resonate with what you say about keeping much of your learning to yourself to keep criticism to a minimum. You learn to not share things with others and keep them to yourself because it’s less painful. I’m so glad you stayed strong and had the courage to follow your heart. I loved that your Father In Law reached out to work with you before his surgery. What a beautiful example of acceptance for your work.
I’m glad you continue to shine your light brightly and share your wisdom and truth with the world, my friend.