My Dad wrote and illustrated a series of children’s stories about The Camblesforth Bunnies. He was proud of them and would share the latest story with me every time I visited him. He had a secret dream of becoming a published author.
He told me one day that he was waiting for the right person to come along who would help him make this dream a reality. That person never came.
His dream died with him and his stories were lost…
We confuse safety with comfort
Over the years of being a coach, I’ve come to recognize that our brains often confuse safety with comfort. Especially when someone is stepping up to make a change or do something different in their life, like becoming a published author or creating a business.
Sometimes comfort isn’t really all that comfortable but it’s familiar, the devil you know, and it’s better than feeling unsafe. It’s an unconscious default to fall back to when we’re feeling scared and fear kicks in.
If you’re a coach, this is when your client might disappear, because instead of taking action, they get hooked into procrastination, their excuses (being too busy, etc), perfectionism, or locked into their old stories. They might even shut down altogether and binge-watch a Netflix and you don’t hear from them for weeks!
The longer the gap, the deeper they retreat and the harder it feels for them to climb back out again (because of their emotions – shame, guilt, or pain for not taking action).
They freeze… You’ve heard of Flight, Fight and Freeze – our natural protective behavior unconsciously kicks in.
Others will find comfort in getting busy with everything else except the thing that they most fear. For example, they get lost in creating the backend of their business or program content. It’s easier and more comfortable for them to hide in the illusion of safety, that they are actually being productive – rather than facing and addressing what they avoiding or hiding from.
Their business remains a dream… These moments break my heart because the client is limiting their own ability and potential.
When things get risky, we stick to the familiar. The unfamiliar is scary and uncertain because we don’t know what the outcome will be. Even when sometimes the facts suggest otherwise…The familiar has a stronger hold over us and draws us back.
This is why most people stay stuck and don’t take action. This leads to self-sabotage. We create our own self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. We stop trying. We wait for tomorrow, next month, or next year. Often what we are clinging onto is our own inner security, those familiar habits.
…Sadly that didn’t work out for my Dad or The Camblesforth Bunnies.
What you are avoiding is what you’re being called to learn!
What we are avoiding is our biggest teacher, if we choose courage over comfort.
You have the choice to stay stuck in the numbness, and monotony of what you have, or you can choose to challenge yourself, grow and thrive beyond the limitations you have set for yourself believing that you are ‘safe.’
Most people simply let their life happen to them. They wait, procrastinate, and react. They stay stuck because they don’t know what to do. They unconsciously allow fear to fill the gap in their knowledge and their growth stalls.
We all struggle, especially when we’re starting something new, but if you’re waiting for confidence to show up – you’ll be waiting a very long time!
“Anytime there are gaps in our knowledge, fear fills in those gaps – a fear that overshadows the possibility of a payoff.” ~ Susan David
Confidence comes last!
Confidence is the end result of you choosing courage over comfort. Let me explain…
First, you have to take responsibility for what you want, by being open to and getting used to what decision and commitment feels like.
Confidence comes from the knowledge and skills that you learn and you can’t develop those skills until you have the courage to have the experience that gives you those learning opportunities to develop your knowledge and skills…
…And you can’t get the experience and the courage until you actually commit to doing the thing that you want to do!
Decide what you want to do and give it your 100% commitment…
Be courageous and curious instead of comfortable
- Be courageous by being curious and open to the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Notice your uncomfortable emotions, as these are just growing pains waiting to be released, you can learn so much from them.
- Develop a willingness to trust the unknown. Push past your conditioning around this, as it’s not the truth… It’s just your imagination. This will help you to become more self-aware and notice your unconscious self-sabotaging patterns. You’ll be able to manage setbacks and let go of habits that no longer serve you.
- Be open to learning the new knowledge and skills that you need. It’s normal to do things badly at first when you’re learning something new. (Remember learning to ride a bicycle?!) It takes practice, patience, and persistence.
- Work with a coach/mentor – someone who can help you stay accountable, while you are peeling back the layers and revealing the next version of yourself.
- It’s hard to do this work on your own. You can sometimes feel isolated and alone and it’s easy to backslide and default to those old automatic unconscious patterns.
Having a sounding board and someone on your side will help you to navigate uncomfortable emotions, any roadblocks, and challenges along the way. Having someone on your side makes ALL the difference and stops you from feeling isolated and alone.
Choose courage over comfort – keep growing!
I’m curious, are you are open to the uncomfortable and unfamiliar, or do you find yourself defaulting back to the safety of familiarity? How does this influence your courage and growth? Let me know in the comments!