If you hold back the truth, you’ll hate yourself later.

Have you ever held something back and then wished you’d shared the truth sooner?

Most of us feel uncomfortable in situations where we have to tell the truth. It’s our ego’s way of protecting ourselves.

Telling the truth feels risky because we are fearful of what our imagination is feeding us. We might:

• hurt the other person’s feelings and make them uncomfortable
• let them down in some way
• make them angry or aggressive towards us
• make them judge or perceive us in a different way because of this truth
• be abandoned

Yet, we want others to be truthful with us and can feel betrayed if they don’t…

A personal story…

Many years ago, my Fiancé and I decided to get married secretly while we were on holiday in Bar Harbor, USA. We’d been together many years, and didn’t want to go through all the stress of a big wedding.

We’d surprise everyone on our return!

I bought a wedding dress in advance, arranged everything including the venue. We visited the courthouse in Bar Habor, Maine, to arrange the license when we arrived. (It’s amazing what you can organize in just a couple of months!)

It was our BIG SECRET!

There were four people at the wedding – Myself, my husband, the photographer, and the wedding officiant. It was a beautiful ceremony on the lakeside, in Acadia National Park.

On the morning of our wedding, I woke up with a sense of anxiety because I hadn’t told my Dad in advance. I tried to call him several times that morning, but couldn’t get through. Finally, I phoned my Brother and asked him to tell my Dad. My Brother quite sensibly refused: ‘You’re going to have to tell him yourself!’

What is going on when we withhold the truth?

By withholding the truth we are trying to protect ourselves from the discomfort of our own feelings – how we might feel when they react.

We falsely believe that withholding the truth is helping the other person in some way.

This is NOT the truth…

When we don’t tell the truth or hold something back, we are avoiding the reality of a situation and a chance to deal with things the way that they are, and not the way we imagine them to be. We hold back our own true feelings to the detriment of ourselves. We ‘water down’ our response or avoid the situation altogether and internalize the pain and suffering.

Reflecting on this many years later, I realize that I didn’t tell my Dad beforehand because I was scared. I was frightened that he wouldn’t approve, he’d be angry with me, and I would be letting him down in some way. It was easier to avoid any difficult conversation beforehand.

On the flight home, I imagined telling him and facing his angry and disappointed reaction… The internal pain was intense. I knew what I should have done, but it was too late to change the reality of the situation.

Internally, I created so much pain and suffering for myself

Holding back takes energy…

It takes A LOT of energy to withhold the truth. The longer you keep the secret the more energy is needed to keep up the act and pretend that everything is okay.

Withholding doesn’t work because the truth will always leak out eventually. The longer you avoid the situation the more pain you will create for everyone involved. I know this from personal experience.

It actually makes things worse!

A few days after returning to England, I visited my Dad. He was happy to see me and hear about our holiday.

I held back telling him about the wedding until the end of my visit – every time I tried to open my mouth, the words wouldn’t come out. In the end, I found the courage to say it…

He wasn’t angry or disappointed, as I imagined. He got teary for us. He was sad that I hadn’t let him in on the secret, but was happy for us both.

Afterward, I felt bad for not telling him sooner, I had believed in the story my imagination had told me, rather than face the reality of the situation.

How wrong my imagination had been. Have you ever experienced this?!

It was such a release of energy that this was no longer a secret. I learned a huge lesson that day…

When in doubt, tell the truth ~ Mark Twain

Tell the truth faster…

I learned this principle the hard way. There is never going to be a perfect time, to tell the truth. I’ve discovered that by sharing the truth sooner, you get out of your own imagination and are able to deal with the real situation from a place of authenticity and truth.

Here’s what happens when you tell the truth…

• Freedom – You release energy and get to share your true feelings

• Authenticity – You’re being true to yourself from the inside

• Reality – You become closer to the person you have told the truth to because they get to understand your reality of the situation. You can then deal with the situation based on that reality (you are not wriggling and avoiding reality!)

• Less Pain – You don’t hurt their feelings by lying, acting, pretending, or withholding. You are not creating pain and suffering on the inside for yourself.

• Integrity – You get to keep your own!

• Clarity – People know where they stand with you.

I can’t make the uncomfortable feelings go away and I can’t guarantee a positive reaction from the other person. But I know that being truthful is the right thing to do if you want to lead a successful and authentic life.

The truth will set you free!

Can you think of a time when you wished you had shared the truth sooner? What was the outcome?