Anyone who wants to make a positive change in their life has to begin by growing into the space between stimulus and response. This is one of the key principles that I’ve taught and coached many times during my professional career.
It’s difficult to shed old unconscious automatic habits and replace them with positive change. Especially if they are deeply ingrained.
Often my coaching clients come to me knowing that they want a different outcome. They wonder why they experience the same difficulties over and over again, but in different scenarios, with different people. These all have some similarities, and they appear stuck in a perpetual loop.
Those existing patterns/habits have so much power, and can be difficult to shift, especially when we believe our own thoughts to be the truth. They aren’t always aware that the starting point to their personal growth begins from within.
So how do you become aware of, and then grow in the space between?
Self-awareness is the key to unlocking us from these holding patterns. Without growing our self-knowledge, most people will stay stuck.
The first step is to find the courage to be honest with ourselves.
Since childhood, we have been carrying internally false stories and illusions that have defined our sense of self. These are reinforced through our lives through our thinking, feeling and acting.
Because of the patterns of our personality, our thoughts lie to us – they feel real and we believe them to be true. They create struggle and discomfort.
There are many many books on how to improve your life so why not read one of those?
These offer strategies and suggestions for improvement. The challenge is that most of them take a broad brush approach that one size fits all. Some of my clients have felt worse after reading a book, because the strategies didn’t work for them. They came away frustrated and disappointed. And when those strategies didn’t work, it just reinforced the perception that there ‘must be something wrong with me.’
Why we do what we do!
We experience life in different ways. We have different personalities and our brains are designed in different ways. So there is no general solution, quick fix or magic pill.
Increasing your self-knowledge is the key to finding liberation from these patterns to a better life. Learning deeply about yourself can give you remarkable insights into how you get in your own way – what you avoid and where you overplay things.
This is why I love working with the Enneagram because it reveals to us the major patterns that exist in our lives and keep us stuck. Or putting it another way – it exposes the lies that we tell ourselves about who we think we are!
It helps us to create the mental and emotional space inside ourselves to observe and begin to understand the ‘why’ of how we think, feel and act. rather than unconsciously being consumed by them. You’ll recognize your unique gifts and begin to wake you up from those addictive patterns that have gotten in your way and held you back.
Making positive change in your life takes effort. It’s difficult to turn off the automatic pilot and think in a different way. But it’s absolutely doable!
Here’s a place to start…
If you want to start making sense of it all, then begin with by focusing on your attention…
- Become an ‘inner student’ of yourself – Notice any patterns that show up for you in your daily life and work.
- What are the same difficulties or challenges that you have over and over again, but in different scenarios, with different people?
- What are the similarities?
- Remember to pay conscious attention to yourself – Be curious! These are just patterns and not the truth of who you are.
- Start a learning journal and make notes. Try this for a week…
This will help you to connect with the space between stimulus and response. You’re starting to learn how to think about your thinking.
What have you noticed about your unconscious patterns? Share them with me in the comments below!
Also write to me personally at elaine@coachbrilliant.com if you’d like to know more about how to live in the space between.
The Enneagram has certainly helped me to understand myself and my stories better. It is so useful to recognise that my tendency to avoid or withdraw is based in fear of losing my inner equilibrium rather than in laziness! It takes practice to stop a story in its tracks and pivot to a positive and useful response but it is well worth the effort.
Thanks so much for sharing this Mary. These inner stories carry our limiting beliefs, our motivations and give life to those voices in our heads that shape how we show up in the world. I love how you’ve been able to recognize that you are not being lazy and that this is just part of your pattern – and NOT the truth of who you are!
A good way to start to recognize this in our daily lives, is to notice when you’re feeling constricted, tense, irritated, anxious or just feel numb and flat.
You might at first, only recognize the pattern after it has happened. The more you practice putting your attention on yourself you’ll begin to catch these as they are starting to form – you’ll live more and more in the ‘space between.’
You’re doing AMAZING work, my friend!